


The Day Hinata Shouyou Decided To Die

by Strawberry_Tsukki



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depressed! Hinata, Hinata needs some love, I don't know why I decided to write this, I'll add tags in as I go along, I've got no plot planned so bear with me, Kind of slow build up, M/M, Or Hinata, Panic Attacks, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sadness, Self-Harm, The title is temporary, attempted suicide, i'm sorry for those of you who love Oikawa, mature themes, poor smol bean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2018-07-25 17:51:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7542262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strawberry_Tsukki/pseuds/Strawberry_Tsukki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you asked Hinata’s team to describe him in one word, they’d all say the same thing. “Happy.”<br/>If you asked the boy himself, he’d reply with “normal.”</p><p>If you asked Hinata’s team to say one thing he was good at, they’d say “volleyball.”<br/>If you asked Hinata, he would reply with “nothing really.”</p><p>If you asked Hinata’s team what they thought of him, they would say “great guy”, “friendly”, “great for the team.”<br/>Hinata himself would answer “worthless.”</p><p>On the outside, Hinata Shouyou looked like an ordinary person. He was always smiling, cracking jokes, and generally acted as though the sun came out his ass. To other people, he looked happy.</p><p>On the inside, he felt useless. Stupid. Pathetic.<br/>Hinata Shouyou was suffering, and no one could tell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Insomnia

**Author's Note:**

> This is under maintenance, i'm heavily editing the beginning chapters, so if something changes thats why.  
> I left this fic for... a while. I'm back with it now. I'm going to see this through to the end, and I hope you guys stay with me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the publication date to today, because as of now this is an active fanfiction.   
> If you're new, this fic was published roughly 2 years ago and I abandoned it on here, with the empty promise to update again. But I'm back, and I'm editing the current chapters.   
> I will make it my goal to finish this.   
> I promise.

Hinata sighed quietly from where he lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling with eyes that burned. That seemed to be happening a lot recently, and it had been affecting his practice. None of the other team members appeared to notice though, which was good, but he was sure that if it carried on this way Daichi was bound to notice and question him about why he wasn't doing his best out on the court. He was pretty sure Daichi had already noticed how thin he had become, but he hadn't said anything to him. Yet. Rubbing his eyes to try and brush away the burning sensation, Hinata sat up and glanced at his alarm clock that read 2:42am.  
He knew from all the previous nights that he wouldn't be able to sleep anyway, and so, quietly pushing himself out of bed, he padded over to the mirror hanging up on the wall. It was an ornate little thing, the glass itself about the size of Hinata's palm, and it's frame decorated in a tree trunk which split in half on both sides of the glass, and twined itself around the bronze edges of the mirror before joining up at the top and blossoming into a cherry tree. Most would call it girly, but to Hinata it was beautiful. A complete contrast to the image currently seen in it.    
His bright orange hair hung limply down, framing a deathly pale face and bloodshot brown eyes with dark purple bags underneath. He was hunched over, almost as if he was shielding himself from some invisible force, and he looked like a skeleton. Every visible bone he had was emphasised, his collarbone was jutting out, his cheeks were hollowed,  his wrists looked like twigs.   
  
Hinata let out a bitter laugh, his eyes still stinging- but this time from tears. He couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat, and from the way things were going, soon he wouldn't be able to play volleyball.  
  
Volleyball, the only thing that he enjoyed, the only thing that seemed to hold just a little bit of meaning in his life, and he wouldn't be able to play it. He was just going to let it slip through his fingers, sit back and not do anything, like the worthless little kid he was. A hot tear gently trailed it's way down his cheek, before dropping to the floor as he rested his head against the wall. A quiet sob escaped his lips as he closed his eyes and let the tears fall from them. That was all he'd ever be. Worthless, useless, something for people to use.  
  
As more hushed sobs broke from him, he turned and slowly slid down the wall, bringing his knees to his chest to try to muffle the noises. ' _Worthless. Stupid. Pathetic. Nothing but a toy for other peoples stray emotions. You're no ones friend, you're a replacement until someone better comes along.'_  
"Shut up." The voice that spoke was fragile, nothing but a wisp of air, and it took a second to realise that that voice was in fact his.  _'You know I'm right, so just listen to me. You're useless. Look at you, all weak and helpless, crying your eyes out on your bedroom floor. I bet you can't even find enough willpower to try and stop these thoughts, can you?'_  
Hinata covered his ears as though if he did the voice would stop tormenting him. That voice he knew all too well.  
_'P-please, just stop i-it!'_  
The voice let out a bitter laugh. ' _How pitiful. Did you look this way back then? Were you sobbing on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor after he had had his way with you? Or were you so pathetic that you even cried during it?'_ He pulled his knees as close to him as possible, his body wracking with sobs as he struggled to hold them in.  
  
_'Looks like he was right.'_  Sniffing, Hinata lifted his tear stained face to look over at the bottle of paracetamol currently resting on his bedside table.  
_'Everyone would be better off if I wasn't here.'_ He reached his hand out to grab it. ' _I'm just a waste of space.'_ His thin, shaking fingers wrapped around the cool plastic of the bottle, carefully picking them up.  _'No one would miss me.'_ Popping the lid, Hinata shakily tipped out some of the contents onto his palm. Plucking one from his hand, he slowly raised it to his mouth and placed it on his tongue, swallowing it. One by one, the 10 pills he tipped out were gone, and he was ready to take the rest of the bottle when the shaking in his hands caused him to drop the container, sending pills in every direction.  
  
With a curse, Hinata balled his fists up in an attempt to stop the shaking and rested on his hands and knees as he reached out to pick up the scattered capsules, before the floor lurched and he fell to the floor with a dull  'thud'. He hadn't noticed the room spinning, or the growing sick feeling in his stomach, and by the time he did he couldn't tell whether it was the pain killers kicking already, or if it was from not eating.   
10 pills were not enough to kill him, but they would definitely have some bad side effects. Letting out a soft, monotone laugh, Hinata curled up on the soft carpet as he tried to ignore the almost painful presence of nausea attacking his stomach. _'Well what would you know, I can't even kill myself properly.'_

  
With a small sigh, his eyes drifted shut, and let unconsciousness take him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't change much of this chapter because I felt pretty okay with it. The next two will have more changed though!
> 
> I'd link an account but, I on't think you guys would want to follow me on social media lmao


	2. The Next Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A certain blond boy is out of character, and theres more angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! So this is an edited version of the old Chapter 2 that was up, I didn't change much at the end, I mainly just added things to the beginning to lengthen it. I hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> Also please tell me if i'm using 'San' correctly, I looked it up to double check but I'm still not sure if its right.

The sun was peeking through the curtains, falling across Hinata’s face as he lay sprawled on his bedroom floor. A groan escaped his lips as his eyes cracked open, wincing as the harsh light burned his eyes. With great effort, his arms came up to push him up off of the ground, and into a sitting position as he checked the time. 7am. He didn’t have to leave for another hour.    
  
With a deep breath, he stood up slowly, stumbling a bit as he felt the usual dizziness hit him. He fought his way to the shower, turning the water on and stripping down, trying to ignore the heaviness of his limbs, and the growing nausea in his stomach. Water washed over him, stinging cuts on his hips and stomach that hadn’t healed, and making it easier to open the ones that did. He never dared to hurt himself on his arms or legs, for fear the team or his family might notice.   
  
He washed the grease from his hair and stepped out, drying himself and slowly pulling his uniform on. His fingers had barely touched the handle before the nausea leapt in his stomach, and he was on his knees, emptying the little contents that were in his stomach into the toilet by the sink. Forcing himself up, he wiped his mouth, and breathed in deeply, before dragging himself out to grab his bag.    
  
He made his way down past the kitchen, a small “bye mum” leaving his lips, and with a burning throat and an empty stomach, Hinata made his way to school.   
  


***   
  
School went as usual. He spaced out in classes, struggling to pay attention because of the throbbing in his stomach or the pain in his head. He managed to write down a few notes, but they were so jumbled it was hard to make sense of them. When the bell rang for lunch, Hinata reluctantly picked up his bag and went down to the canteen. Buying himself an apple, he quickly went to sit outside in order to evade any of his teammates- more specifically Kageyama. He knew if they saw him with no lunch, they’d make him eat.    
  
Sitting on a bench and placing his bag down, he stared at the apple in his hands. He tentatively brought it to his lips, taking a small bite and starting to chew. It tasted like cardboard. Spitting it out, he threw the remaining fruit in the bin and sighed, checking the time on his phone. He still had 30 minutes remaining until the next class.    
  


“You’re not eating lunch? No wonder you’re so short.” The familiar voice sounded, making Hinata jump and turn to the speaker. A tall blond boy was standing a few feet away, a bag on his shoulder and a drink in hand. His head was cocked a little to the side as he eyed Hinata.    
  
“Don’t call me short, dinosaur boy.” A short laugh sounded from the blond as he took a few more steps forward. “Well, it’s the truth.” Silence spread between the pair, and Tsukishima spoke up once more, a hint of concern in his voice. “You really should eat you know, especially since we have practice this evening.”    
“I’ve already eaten.” A blatant lie, but he hoped this might get Tsukishima off of his back.    
“No you haven’t.” Hinata stayed silent. With a slight frown on his face, Tsukishima opened his bag and pulled out what looked like a Soyjoy bar. “Here, it’s not much but it means you won’t be dead on your feet tonight.” Handing the smaller boy the bar, he turned to leave.    
“Just make sure you take care of yourself.” He spoke softly.   
  
As the younger boy walked away, Hinata looked at the bar in his hands as his brain processed what just happened, his heart rate not slowing. He brought his eyes to where the boy had walked off, staring and trying to swallow the growing panic. Had Tsukishima noticed? Was he being that obvious? The panic started to turn into confusion, as he wondered why the younger boy even cared in the first place. It was out of character, strange almost. 

 

Hinata was forced out of his thoughts by the bell. Quickly grabbing his bag, the boy rushed to his next class, with the bar he’d been given still in his hand.    
  
_ ‘I hope Volleyball will go ok.’ _   
  
***

  
As it turned out, Volleyball did not go ok.   
  
He kept missed almost every spike, and the ones he did hit went out. He couldn’t receive any of the balls, and the few he did he received with his face. By now, his face was tingling in such a way he could have sworn it would be bruised tomorrow. He laughed off all of the injuries, but with a quick glance at Kageyama, he could see the raven haired teen certainly didn’t find any of this funny. As Hinata stared, he knew he would have to steer clear of  him for the next few days.   
  
Pain spread throughout his face as he got knocked backwards, and he let out a loud yelp as he hit the floor. Sitting up and holding his nose, he blinked and looked around. He must have spaced out again when the ball was served.

  
“Hinata? Are you okay?” Sugawara’s voice rang through his ears. “Don’t mind me Sugawara-san, I’m fine.” He pushed himself up, trying not to sway as he sent a smile to the older boy, and got a frown in return.    
“If you say so, but go sit on the bench for the rest of practice. I don’t want you getting seriously hurt. Okay?”    
“But-" Hinata trailed off when Suga gave him a look, and he sighed. There wasn't any point in arguing. Huffing out a quiet "fine" he slouched off to the side of the gym and sat down on the bench to wait until practice was over.   
  
After all the equipment had been put away and everyone had huddled in the middle of the gym to listen to Daichi, Hinata made his way to the door. He wasn't in the mood to listen to one of Daichi's pep-talks right now.    
“Oi, dumbass!” Hinata turned and came face to face with Kageyama, and he looked livid. His usual permanent scowl was even worse, and he looked inches away from snapping and hitting the boy in front of him. Taking a step closer to Hinata and jabbing a finger at his chest, Kageyama glared at the small boy in front of him with such ferocity that he was sure if looks could kill, he'd be dead in an instant.   
  
"You've been avoiding me." It wasn't a question.   
Maybe he would get off with this one, come up with some normal explanation. "You've been avoiding the entire team." Ok, that was going to be slightly more difficult to explain."Would you care to explain why?"    
  
He looked up at Kageyama, and gave him a small smile. " Avoiding the team? I'm not avoiding you, I've been doing some practice. " Yeah, there we go, that's alright. A perfectly reasonable explanation. Kageyama let out a small growl and grabbed his shirt, pushing him up against the wall which earned some concerned looks from Suga and the others.   
"That's bullshit and we both know it."   
Hinata gulped. "Wh-what do you m-mean, I-" He was cut off by another growl from Kageyama as he pulled him away from the wall and slammed him back against it, earning him a wince.   
  
"You know exactly what I mean."  He said in a dead calm voice. "You're acting weird, you're missing spikes, what's gotten into you? Aren't you taking this seriously?! We have nationals to get to and you're just messing around!" Kageyama's voice grew louder as he kept a firm grip on Hinata's shirt.    
_ 'Messing around... Huh... Even my best isn't good enough.' _   
  
Looking Kageyama directly in the eye, he grasped the hand currently holding his shirt and firmly pushed it away. "I'm trying you know." He whispered, taking a step towards him. "Why can't you see that?" His voice surprisingly steady, rose with each passing word.    
"Why can't you see that I'm doing my best?!" Oh god, he could feel his eyes burning with angry tears already. No, he would not cry in front of everyone.    
_ 'When did I get so weak?' _   
  
Daichi had stopped talking to the team by now, the gym now silent. All eyes on them.   
  
"Why can't you see the fact that I'm still trying!" Kageyamas initial surprise at his small outburst wore off, and he grabbed Hinata's arm tightly, ignoring the second wince of pain. "Then try harder!" 'Oh god his grips tight.'  Hinata could feel his chest start to tighten. 'Please not now.'" The amount of spikes you missed today was unacceptable!" 'It hurts, please let go'" His breath started coming out in short gasps. "You're letting down the entire team-"   
"LET GO OF ME!" Hinata burst, pushing Kageyama with all his strength, which in all fairness wasn't much but it was still enough to send the taller boy spiraling to the ground. Shocked blue eyes stared widely up at Hinata's panicked brown ones. Ignoring the stares of his team mates, Hinata grabbed his bag which had fallen off his shoulder in the process and marched to the door, quickly trying to control his breathing and calm down.   
  
"If my best isn't good enough for you Kageyama, then that's fine by me. " Placing his hand on the gymnasium door, he spoke 2 words.   
  
"I quit."    
  
Ignoring the calls for him to come back, Hinata broke into a sprint.   
  
_ 'They didn't need me anyway.' _


	3. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't change much for this, I didn't see much that needed to be edited. I added more stuff in and changed a few lines here and there, so it's different to the original.  
> I should have chapter 4 up in the next few days, i have work over the weekend but i promise i'll get it done!  
> I hope you guys are enjoying this so far :)

“Hinata!”  Suga yell from behind him.    
“Don’t follow me!” Hinata ran faster, his head growing light.   
“Slow down, you’re going to trip!” He heard Suga yell desperately.

“I said, leave me alone-” Hinata was cut off as his right foot skidded and he was sent tumbling forward. Bracing himself for the fall, he flung his arms out infront of him and let out a small cry of surprise, but he never hit the ground. Suga grabbed his arm and steadied him, crouching down and inspecting him with a worried frown. “Oh my god, are you okay? I told you you’d trip!” Hinata avoided his concerned look and dropped his gaze to the concrete at his feet, trying to hide the sniffling.

“Hinata?” He heard Suga ask, his voice adopting his usual motherly tone. “What’s wrong?”

“I-I’m fine Sugawara-san.” He flinched as he heard his voice break.

Suga sighed gently as he comfortingly rubbed Hinata’s arm.

“No you’re not.” He spoke softly.Hinata kept his eyes on the ground.

“Hinata. Look at me.”Taking a shaky breath in Hinata stiffly moved his head up to rest his eyes on Suga’s face. Suga took in his puffy and red eyes, and he ever so gently wiped a falling tear from his cheek as a look of sadness fell over his face.

He silently wrapped his arms around him in a tight embrace and smoothed down Hinata’s hair as he held him. “It’s alright, you’re fine now. Kageyama didn’t mean anything of what he said.”

  
  


Clutching Suga tightly he let out a heaving sob. “B-but he did. He did mean it.” he sniffled as he felt a hand comfortingly rubbing circles on his back.

“I-I try so h-hard to make him think i’m good enough, but all he ever does is shoot me down. L-like I’m nothing.”

Hinata let out another hiccoughing sob.

“I r-really want to be a part of this team. All I want to d-do is play volleyball, but how can I if I can barely play it right?

Suga let out a sigh and pulled away, keeping both of his hands on Hinata’s shoulders.

“Hinata, listen to me. Ushijima’s good, right? And with his team he’s amazing?”

“W-well yeah, but-”

”He wasn‘t always amazing though, was he?”

“Sugawara-san, I-I’m not quite sure-” Suga held up a hand to silence him.

“What I’m saying Hinata, is that sure you might not be as good at volleyball as you want to be. But it’s not talent that makes a team good at volleyball. It’s trust, and more importantly hard work. ”

Hinata fell silent.

“You can’t wake up and suddenly be a pro at volleyball. You need to build up on your skills, and your team helps keep your strengths and brings out your best even after you get better. ”   
“Everyone has bad days, don’t let what happened today have an impact on how you do in the future. Mistakes are just a way of learning.”

Suga smiled softly at the younger boy and gently ruffled his hair. “Now don’t forget that, alright?”

Hinata nodded weakly and rubbed at his eyes to get rid of the tears still threatening to make another appearance. “Good. Now come on, We’ll go back and sort all this out, then you can go home.” Sending him another smile Suga straightened up and put a hand between Hinata’s shoulder blades as he guided him in the direction of the gym.   
  
“Thank you, Sugawara-san.”   
  


Muffled and slightly panicked voices could be heard as Suga slid open the door and peeked his head through before stepping in and motioning for Hinata to follow.

“Suga? Did you find him?” Daichi’s voice that almost mimicked the worried tone of Suga’s from earlier as he rushed over with a creased brow.

Turning around he once again motioned to Hinata to enter. “Hinata, you can come in. Nobody’s mad at you.” He spoke, his voice soothing the slow rising anxiety in Hinata’s chest.  Lowering his head he hesitantly stepped into the gym, feeling all eyes suddenly flick towards him as he lifted his gaze from the floor and smiled sheepishly, holding his hands behind his back.  “Uh...” He cautiously glanced at Suga before taking a deep breath and bowing so close to the floor his nose almost touched it. “I-I’m sorry!” He all but yelled, squeezing his eyes shut and preparing for an onslaught of “why did you come back”s and “we’re disappointed”s. The gym was silent for a few moments with Hinata’s rather loudly exclaimed apology still echoing softly throughout the space, before a loud cry of what one would seem to be happiness resounded through the gym and before he knew it Hinata was being tackled to the ground by two bodies.

 

"See Ryu? Our cute little kouhai couldn't bear to be without us!" One of the bodies, Noya, yelled, squeezing him tighter and wiping a fake tear from his face. Tanaka simply let out a booming laugh in reply and brought Hinata into a headlock, ruffling his hair much to his protests.  Despite being a bit sore from being pretty much thrown to the ground Hinata found himself laughing too.  
"Oi, come on you two. Let Hinata breathe." Daichi scolded lightly, a telltale twitch of his lips being the only thing to give him away and show that he wasn't being entirely serious.  Noya released him and stood as he grabbed Hinata's hand to pull him up.

His eyes scanned the gym before falling on Kageyama, who stood with his arms crossed, and had a guilty look etched into his face. As he stared, Kageyama shuffled uncomfortably, before speaking a small "sorry". It was obvious that he wasn't used to apologising, but even though it was small, Hinata appreciated the gesture.   
He simply smiled in reply, before turning back to the team.   
  
"Okay, so carrying on from before, I hope you all behave appropriately while we're there. I don't want the other teams believing we're some wild, misbehaving idiots. I'm looking at you, Tanaka." Daichi spoke.   
Wait, what? Teams? He didn't remember being told about anything like that. But then again, he barely pays attention.  
  
"Sorry, what do you mean?" He spoke quietly, giving Daichi a look of confusion. "The training camp thats been organised over the holidays next week. I told you all about it a few weeks ago, and gave you all permission slips so I would know who could attend. I have yours here." Hinata blinked. He'd completely forgotten.  
"Also, the teams have been updated. Aoba Johsai will now be joining us on the trip. Previously they weren't interested in coming, but somehow once they learned that the "Freak Duo" would be attending, they changed their minds."   
  
Hinata's heart stopped. Aoba Johsai? No... Surely not.   
  
He couldn't think.Daichi's voice got fainter as Hinata started to panic. No. This couldn't be happening. The memories flashed in his mind- the menacing laughter, the sound of the lock being turned, the feeling of his breath on Hinata's neck.  
  
_'That means he'll be there.'_  
  
"Oi, Hinata, you can't stand there forever we need to close the gym." A hand tugged at his shirt and gently pulled him out of the building. "You okay?" Daichi asked.  
  
Images were still flashing through his mind, his heart was still racing.   
  
"I'm fine."  
  
He really wasn't.

 


End file.
